My shameful secret: I hate "Friends"

F*ck it. Its out and now I can breathe. Honest to God, I am not trying to disparage your favorite show or convince YOU how awful it is. This is MY account, my experience, my thoughts, my opinion. I will not tell you "Hey stop watching Friends! Quit thinking its funny!"
That's not why I'm coming out of my Friends-hating closet. I can be a salty bitch sometimes. Now that disclaimers are done and over with, my God, I hate Friends. It's just not funny. I watched it religiously in the 1990's like everyone else, I was a teenager and basic as fuck. While I loved and listened to Nirvana & Metallica, I secretly obsessed over Britney Spears but claimed otherwise because I was soooooo special & needed my special cookies. So yeah, I grew up with Friends and watched it mostly for Ross & Rachel drama. "Will they-wont they" is a trope as old as time and when done right, it can be magical (See Teen Wolf and The 100) but Ross & Rachel? Two rusty shovels make more sense together than these two self involved, whiny assholes.

Don't get me wrong, there are moments that are genuine and funny (like Monica proposing to Chandler), but faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar in between and this show ran for 10 seasons...236 episodes exist. Watching it today as a 31 year old adult in year 2017? Take those two shovels to my face and call it a day. "But why Jovana? Why so salty?" Because hindsight and adulthood. Because I can't be Mary f*cking Sunshine 24/7. I ain't got that kind of stamina. Plus, negative rants about dumb pop culture stuff is fun to me. Judging Friends by today's TV standards (which are astronomical) is absolutely unfair, I know but imma do it anyways because reasons. Comedy has evolved so much. How can I ever watch Friends again after being spoiled with Arrested Development, Parks & Recreation, Community, 30 Rock, Broad City, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Archer, Bob's Burgers etc? These shows are so fucking good, funny, real, intelligent and FULL of complex, interesting, FUNNY characters....I refuse to waste ONE second of my time on another Fat Monica joke because fat = funny. Just gross.

Where do I even begin? Lets just ignore the absurdities like living in New York near Central Park in MASSIVE apartments with either struggling, shitty or non existing jobs. Looking at you Phoebe. Masseuse who can afford Manhattan? GTFO. Ross & Chandler are the only ones with an actual income and are constantly made fun of because of it. Ross's fascination for dinosauruses and his PhD are a butt of many jokes because who the fuccccccccccckk needs intelligence and real income in Friends world? Chandler's job? Its so unimportant an entire episode was devoted to his closest friends struggling to figure out what he actually does for work. What shitty friends. I could live with the unrealistic aspects (according to Friends, everyone is white and straight in NYC) if the show as actually funny. The only character worth something is Chandler - the receiver of everyone's unflinching cruelty. Especially by Phoebe who is by all definition a complete psychopath that takes pride in being a jobless, homophobic criminal. Also, cue the never ending suicide jokes because dead mom stuff is HILARIOUS. But seriously...where are the black & Asian people? Where are gay people in NYC? Why was 9/11 ignored? I'm getting anger sweats.

1. Joey - the stereotypical Italian American who gets dumber and dumber as the show progresses. He starts off charming and fuckboy-ish at first and I can see why women would be interested but then he devolves into a caricature with borderline special needs. What makes Joey so funny? He likes sandwiches and stuffed penguins! How you doin'? Not good Joe. Not good.
2. Fat jokes - did you guys know Monica was fat? Poor fat Monica wasn't even a character but a device for gross jokes and punchlines. "That girl ate Monica!" Hahaha soooooo funny. At least she becomes skinny and hot and worthy for boys and our time. Thank God. Fat people are not like, real people.
3. Gay jokes - either directed at Chandler, coming from Chandler or used in slurs. His father is a homosexual man and a cross-dresser so naturally, Chandler is ashamed but mostly makes jokes and doesn't invite him to the wedding. This could have been a GREAT topic to dwell into, but no. "Chandler does something therefore its gay" cue the laugh-track.
4. Rachel's narcissism and bitchiness are central to her character. Who the f*ck travels across the world to stop a wedding of a supposed "best friend." Self involved bitches do.
5. Ross....oh Ross. Face & personality made for punching. Responsible, intelligent one is the biggest whiny manchild in history of any sitcom. Crying about a lesbian wife leaving him, crying about every other woman who left him.....dude, look at your life. Look at your choices. Bubonic plague wouldn't get near you. Emily should have smothered you in your sleep. It's not like your kid would miss you, because Ben disappeared all of a sudden. Phoebe probably killed him. 

If you were part of Friends, you would probably be Janice, "Ugly Naked Guy", Emily, Gunther...or slew of other seemingly normal people that these assholes lure into their web of selfishness & lunacy for their own amusement. 

I really could go on, but this post is already too long. Its really simple folks: this show did not age well. It does not fit into 2017 anymore. Its not funny or clever. "But Jovana, sometimes we need stupid humor."

The fuck we do. You are an adult.  Raise your standards and demand more.
Rant over.